Cats

Okay, I don't have a lot of time to post since I am having movie night with my daughter and I had to work all day, so I am beat. Sometimes working in finance just stinks; especially at end of month. Anyway, Thanksgiving was nice and my sister is a fabulous cook, but for this post thought I just had to tell a funny story about my daughter. I know, I know, no one appreciates lame mom stories except the kid's mom, so it's a good thing I set this blog up to talk to myself.

Anyway...

My daughter and my husband went to lunch with his uncle today (I will get into the story of his uncle some other day). My daughter has been wanting a cat for Christmas and apparently she has figured out that since she wanted one last year and Santa brought her a fake, but very life-like cat, this year he "owes" he by providing the real thing. So when my husband's uncle asked her what she wanted for Christmas she said "A cat" and when he said "Well what about your two dogs?" She said "That's okay, we can just leave the back gate open and they can run away." Nice, right? I mean these were my babies before I had an actual baby and now she wants to edge them out into the wilderness in exchange for a fur-ball with claws? LOL Anyway, just thought that was funny. I guess she is not a dog person?

Dear diary:

Okay, I haven't written in awhile and don't have any deep thoughts currently (maybe due to exhaustion), so I guess I will ramble a bit. This last week seemed to be a series of unfortunate events (isn't that a movie title?). My husband got a stomach bug in the beginning of the week so I had the brilliant idea of getting the flu shot my work (a hospital) offers. Then, if that wasn't brilliant enough (after all, the flu shot takes two weeks to work), I talked myself into taking the flu mist instead of the shot because I am terrified of needles (okay that's an exaggeration, I am mostly just a big baby). So if someone asks you whether you want the side effects consisting of a red, sore, and itchy arm for three days or a sore throat, runny nose, watery eyes, and an excruciating headache for three days, what do you do? Well, I am I apparently an idiot, so I spent the rest of the week not with a stomach bug, but still feeling like walking death. Not to mention the fact that I am as white as Casper the friendly ghost, so my red puffy nose stuck out like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. So people either avoided me like the plague or asked me if everything was okay with me (I think they thought I had been crying and the watery eyes didn't help much). My very sensitive husband even came up to me at a tour of a school we were attending and said "Wow, your nose is all red!" How nice is that?

Speaking of tours... I have also been busy with school of course, but I also set up a couple tours of elementary schools for my daughter because I want to "School of choice" her into a school in a better district. So we went to one school that focuses on the arts and has a fantastic format for teaching things like the history of Africa, religions, etc. The other was just your basic school, but everyone says such great things about it. I know it doesn't sound like a tough choice, but the first is a charter school, with school uniforms, which I am not sure I am happy about and because it is in a horrible spot and seems overcrowded. Plus, while the other kids on the tour were standing still and seemed like super geniuses (I am not kidding - one kid even discussed positive thinking and related his hobby of ventriloquism to famous historians, while my child had her coat on backwards, her hood up over her face, and was pretending to walk into walls.). My daughter is equally as smart I am sure, but she is definitely not as serious in any way. I may have said this before, but it is like having Jim Carey's baby. Anyway, the tours were interesting...

I also attended two presentations as a mentor at a high school for an anti-sexual assault program with my friend "J." This part of the week was actually fun (except the whole walking death cold thing). I had attending the training for the students putting on the presentations, so it was great seeing them in action. One girl is just such a natural leader and an excellent speaker. I was impressed by her. I am always happy when I see kids that are so much more confident than I ever was at that age.

Let's see what else... Yesterday my coworker who harasses me about my child being in daycare gave her notice, which I think I am happy about. Don't get me wrong, she is nice and everything, but I just can't handle the way she makes me feel like an awful mom because I work. Okay, I have to interject here that my old high school teacher would be lecturing me at this point about how "No one can make you feel anything, you do that to yourself." Yeah, he was fun. ;) Anyway, I did a "pretend" therapy session with my classmate the other day and she helped me realize this woman thinks she is being a "nurturing parent" but is really just coming across as critical. I just keep worrying that I may breakdown and yell at her and say something like "I am not like you because I am not so self centered to think I am the only one that has something to offer my child, so mind your own business."

Anyway, then last night we attended yet another party and this morning we got up early to drive to Denver to watch my sister's kids so she could attend a meeting. We took the kids to see Bolt (very good!) and then we wandered the very posh mall attached to the theater. This was an interesting task with four children. So we occupied their time with a picture with Santa, lunch, some wandering, and like two hours in a book store. Thank goodness for the nice lady at the bookstore who essentially adopted the kids for some time in order to read them some stories and color pictures with them (yes, she worked there). So, some $150 later, we survived and it actually went well I think! I do know that I will never have four children of my own because I simply am not that patient.

Okay, I think I am done rambling for now!

Deep thoughts this week...

This week has been pretty crazy. Besides the normal hectic stuff, Thursday we spent three hours of class discussing grief counseling. This was a really tough class session for everyone I think. You could almost cut the air with a knife it was so thick. We learned about grief counseling for the first part and then we had to practice using our new information and skills. I was told to play the client, while my classmate had to play the counselor. I was supposed to be a high school student who had to go to the counseling office because I couldn't stop crying in class after I lost my best friend in a car accident two weeks prior. Fun, huh? Some parts of learning counseling is so fantastic, but this was, well, not so much. Then to add to the fun we got to watch a video of Ed Jacobs (A therapist famous for Impact Therapy). He was helping a client who lost her father to a potential suicide in the Vietnam War some thirteen years prior, when she was like thirteen herself. It made me want to start balling in class, while the rest of the class seemed remarkably composed. I am such a sympathy crier though. It is pathetic. I can just imagine how she felt that her dad was gone and she said she felt all alone and knew he would have been there for her. Sheesh! This class brought up a lot of emotions for me as well and I just wanted to leave the room and run for the hills, but I didn't. I just sat there stewing.

Also this week I had to meet with some friends mid-week for a school assignment, but was anxious about how it would turn out since I don't really like making school plans in the middle of a week where I barely feel as though I see my daughter as it is. I felt like I was being bamboozled into the meeting, but heck, it was only one day out of my life and I was able to take my daughter out to dinner beforehand. Things turned out okay though and my teammates are very nice.

Additionally, this week my teacher let us off the hook for one of our assignments this week, but she is making us choose out of three different types of assignments for our final project. I can't decide, but she wants me to do a tape of me counseling someone, but that is seriously not fun for me. I might also do a Lifestyle assessment of my friend "J" but as close as her and I am, I am not sure I can ask her some of the very intrusive questions this assessment forces me to ask people. I am not sure I can discuss her personal life in a paper the way I am being asked to. Yikes! We'll see!

Tonight we went to a party up in the backwoods of the mountains at a log cabin-ish house of some people we have known awhile now. They are actually the parents of our daughter's friend, but we really love the parents of her friends and we have all known each other for so long that we just seem to click and be at a good comfort level; opposed to those lame kids' parties where you want to go hide in a corner somewhere. In fact, the host was telling us that she went to a party at her daughter's new school and one of the moms said she was drinking spiked coffee because she hated the parties so much. Although I have been to parties where I wished my drink was spiked (really I am only kidding), I have never felt that way with this group. Anyway, we had a really nice time and I am glad because I am so not a party person in general because I am a major dork; although I have held my share of them, it is painful for me. LOL

LIFE

So this last week was pretty emotionally draining, but what I learned, as my professor had the classmates go around in a circle and talk about anything that was on their minds, is that I am not alone in feeling that way.

We did something called a Family Constellation Paper, which relates to our family constellation (people who we consider to be important aspects of our lives growing up), gender roles, our genogram, and more. This was insightful, but also really depressing. I realized how bleak my life sounds when I spell it out into a paper format. My parents seem self-involved and a little crazy and my sister and I seemed to be totally incompatible, with her being the social and athletic one and me being a major dork. ;) I also learned that I come from a long line of strong and independent woman who seemed to feel they were better off alone. Nice, right? Even my great grandmother, who was my favorite relative by far was a little too independent. She was great though. So then I realized something: No wonder people say I am stubborn, that I refuse to accept help from others, and that I am someone who tends to give up on people who make me sad (not mad, just hurtful). I have a three strikes you're out rule and very few people, if any, have gotten past it. Again, nice, huh? Keep in mind, I don't realize I am doing this, I just figured all of this out this week and sooooo much more!

The thing is, I learned this all by answering a couple of different lists of questions we were given. One list said tings like "Out of your siblings, who was the tallest, prettiest, favorite, most athletic, smartest, hardest working, organized..." You get the point. So then I had to choose. The other one discussed things like "What were the gender roles?" Another asked things like "What was your first memory? What dreams to you remember? etc..." That was fun too. My few memories were bizarre. For example, when I was like five my cat Missy climbed up into the car engine to stay warm, but I didn't learn this until later in life, like adulthood, from my dad. So my memory is of my mom when she had purchased and framed pictures (postcards?) of Siamese cats that were chasing butterflies in fields and my mom told my sis and I that Missy had gone on vacation and had sent us a postcard from her trip. Nice, yet again, huh? Then, when she found another Siamese, she would tell us that cat was Missy. I wonder how many Missy's there were exactly??? Ughh... Okay, well, at least I am not alone; although, the fact that childhood sucks for most everyone offers little comfort. LOL

Oh on a lighter note, and here's the new word of the week I learned from Rachel Maddow:

• Recalcitrant: Head strong, unruly, disobedient

Relief

I still have to fight back the tears when I hear snippets of Obama's speech from the other night. I can only imagine how those have been warriors in this battle for longer than I have been alive must have felt watching the crowds of tearful and happy people cheer on our new leader. So many people have suffered and died while fighting for their rights, but this is not just a fight for race, but also gender and for other minority groups. As a woman I can see how this can pave the way for all who have suffered for things that do no involve character but rather aesthetics. For example, the women I have seen black and white photo's of who fought for our rights to vote who were jailed, spit on, and starved. I have to say that my watery eyes were from my support for those who fought so hard, but also for the mere thought of a new chance for hope and change. We can now see the light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel than seemed, four years ago, to not have an end in a world that did not seem to make sense or have logic. Now I can say that at least half of the country is willing to take part in change and restoration. Here's the thing though: The battle does not stop here, as Obama said, we do have a long, uphill road ahead. We should not let go of our motivation for change that was generated by the election. We need to keep going and gather together to help make the changes we want because one man (in this case) cannot do it alone. Those of us who have suffered from the economy, some more than others, should think about the changes we want and pass this along to those who can help us see those changes come true.

I was also thinking today about how there is a sort of a feeling of hypervigilance when there is an election. Our emotions get so inflated by the drama and the media and when it is over, the media and politicians go on about their business while the rest of the country is left with the aftermath. It's like we are left to clean up the emotional debris after a storm of emotions, but for the media and politicians this is just normal business. It reminds me of those Ralph wolf and Sam sheepdog cartoons where they clock in and out like it's no big deal that one was about to eat someone alive. It's frustrating whether your candidate wins or loses because all of the sudden everything is out of your hands; opposed to before the election is over when you feel you can still vote, volunteer, etc. in order to make a difference. Now, even with Obama's win, I feel an overwhelming sense of the old "hurry up and wait" feeling, like "Now what?"

Random Thoughts

http://yourmorals.org/ <- This is a site I learned about in one of my classes the other day. I haven't been brave enough to take any of the tests yet; although, not because I don't think I am a moral person, because I know I am, but I am just too dang tired and my brain is full. I think it is an interesting concept because you can find out about your personal morals and aid in research at the same time. The site will even give you a score, which is very interesting as well because I thought morals were somewhat subjective and culturally based; yet the Internet is worldwide. Anyway, someday when I am less mentally drained I will venture to the site to see what they have to say about me. ;)

*************

Another random thought that crossed my mind today was regarding cultures and generations. I will talk some other day about why I was thinking about this - genograms, family constellations and other therapeutic blah, blah, blah, but right now I was realizing how it was strange how things can change over the course of a few years in a family. For example, staying at home as a mother used to be the "norm" although I question this was ever the case since no one in my family ever did. In fact, I think I read some 40% of moms worked in the 1950's? That's a lot. Anyway, so my coworker was saying the other day that mom's today have it easier because moms today just hand off their kids to someone else (I will also deal with the fact that this woman gets under my skin with her annoying judgements of me another time). I was saying that I think moms today have a more difficult job because we have to worry about car seats, the Internet (MySpace, etc), toilet locks, cupboard locks, texting, e-mail, iPods, allergens, etc. (it's a wonder we maintain our sanity). Plus, I also have to figure out how to not have my daughter be some computer junky when I just got her pre-kindergarten report card that assesses her technological abilities! Anyway... I was also noticing that from when I was a kid I called my grandmother Grandma Jones (for example) and calling her Grandma Ruth would be strange, but for my daughter, calling her grandparents by their last name would seem really bizarre. She would never say Grandma Smith, she simply says Grandma Hannah. When did we make the switch? Or is this just my family because my daughter has so dang many grandparents? I think this has some connection between the way people today feel less of a power difference between elderly people and younger people. I know I am raising my daughter as an equal person in our family and not simply a "seen and not heard" child that I often felt like growing up. So maybe that has an impact on the way we view things. Okay, just a thought!

YAY!!!!!!!!!! Obama!

Enough said! ;)

Dear Diary...

Okay, can I just say I hate the Cranberries? Not cranberries, but The Cranberries? They are seriously whiny and annoying. Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. I know I am probably the only person in the world that doesn't like their Zombie or Dreams songs. My coworker listens to them on Pandora and I have to say that it makes me want to stab out my ear drums. No offense... (Don't you love it when people say that? LOL). She listens to other music I can handle - Sheryl Crow, 10,000 Maniacs, The Wallflowers, Counting Crows, etc. but sometimes I am just like - blech! Even some Natalie Merchant and Sheryl Crow songs drive me crazy because they are very draining.