Expanding Your Conversational Top Five

The other day I was hanging out with a few other moms while we watched our little ones interact on a group play date. The thing is, these play dates really seem to be less about the kids, as much as these outings are an excuse for other moms to relate to one another, compare notes about child development, and to complete a general sanity check-in. So as we were sitting there talking, one of the mothers brought up an interesting game (for lack of better words) her and fellow coworkers were playing. Essentially, the idea is that we all have a list of roughly the top five topics we can boil our everyday conversations down to. I can't really remember her list specifically, but I can imagine it wasn't much different than my list: (1) My daughter; (2) My husband; (3) Fatigue; (4) Stress; (5) School (most people probably could probably find something else to substitute easily into these fields for their own lives, such as their crazy coworkers, money, health, etc.).

So this list made me really think about how we as humans get into a rut in which everything on our list is always the same. Keep in mind, this isn't a list of the most important things in our lives, it's a list of items we converse about the most. I also noticed that the majority of the items on the tops of our lists (I have checked in with several people now as part of an unofficial experiment) are negative things: Stress, being tired, lack of money, etc. This is actually kind of interesting when you start grilling others about what their list might say, or, making your own private list for others vs. what they say, since we tend to mirror the attitudes those around us. Even better, try to think of what others in different aspects of your life might say about you: Are you different at work, home, school, etc.? My husband's list was interesting to me, for example, because I don't hear him talk about me that often, but I was on his list. Hmmm... My list for him? Our daughter, Money, Sports, News, and Work. Interesting...

So what do we do to make these lists have a more positive feel? This may possibly have something to do with the diversity of our "Top 5" list or maybe the thing to do is what pretty much every self-help book that exists suggests: "Focus on the positive." Complaining is negative and negativity generates/attracts more negativity and the next thing you know you are swimming in a cesspool of negative thoughts. In my quest to discovering how to be a happier and a livelier person (this is my new quest by the way), I think I may be onto something here. I think I will try to diversify my "Top Five" list.

It makes sense...We diversify our stock portfolios because we don't want to put all of our eggs in one basket, so it stands to reason that this same philosophy would apply nicely to life as well. We also don't throw all of our money into stocks that are in the negative, so why do we put our thoughts there? I have decided that in order to increase my happiness value I am going to focus my time and energy on a "Top Five" that is more suitable to who I want to be. Then, each day I am going to go back through the day's conversational activity and generate a "Top Five" list to see if I am adequately choosing more diverse and positive conversation that is more congruent with the new happier life I want to live.

I am hoping that by diversifying my thoughts and conversations, I will decrease my general boredom throughout the day as well, but also, by monitoring my “Top Five” I will: (1) Decrease my boredom and the boredom of those around me from listening to me; (2) Diversify who I am as a person and the things I do; (3) Learn to see the big picture of my life, rather than focusing on the same few things; (4) Have a better perspective of how others see me; and (5) Become happier by focusing on the positive.

Marshmallow Trick and the Money Saving Pig...

Awhile ago, my class was visited by an incredible speaker who presented at least three hours worth of exercises counselors can use in group therapy. I mean, this wasn't some boring presenter who had us sticking toothpicks in our eyelids to keep them open like in the cartoons. He was from New Orleans and seemed to be a mix of a counselor and Matthew McConaughey in the way that he was all over the map and had a cool, smooth talking southern accent. We were all depressed when his speaking time was up, but there was still so much more for us to learn. He set all of his props (mousetraps, etc.) all around the room and had us choose which topic we were most curious about learning. On my way home that night, I started thinking that someday when I had time I would relay some of the cool things I learned that night and I figured I could start with the Marshmallow study...

The Study: Marshmallow Study (I chose this article because it is simple, but I also really liked the money saving, delayed gratification piggy bank! There's a link...)

Essentially, there was a study done on small children where the children were placed one at a time in a room with a marshmallow and were told by an adult that if they didn't eat the marshmallow, when the adult returned in 10 minutes, they would receive another marshmallow to eat (so two marshmallows total). I guess some kids didn't even make it through the directions before they were shoving their faces with marshmallowly goodness. Others occupied the 10 minute duration by singing to the marshmallow, licking the bottom and setting it back down, talking to it, and some, well, some just ate it.

Some time after the study, the conductors of the study did a couple of follow up sessions and discovered consistent results among the participants. The ones who ate the marshmallow (the instant gratification kids) had troubled lives, which usually meant divorce, jail time, lower income, etc. The ones who waited (the delayed gratification kids) had consistently better lives, which meant anything from higher education to longer marriages.

So with that said, I kept wondering when the speaker was telling this story, what my own child would do. I mean, she is half me (waits to spend a gift card until I am really, really sure I want something and waits 24 hours before making any major purchases when I see something I want) and half of my husband (can't stand the thought of a gift card burning a hole in his pocket). So I went home that night and decided to see how my daughter reacted to a mini-test. I didn't have marshmallows and she doesn't really like them anyway, so I used Cadbury Mini-eggs instead. Before I could even explain the directions, my just-home-from-gymnastics and wired little girl gobbled the egg up in one gulp! So then I thought "Well, that's okay, she didn't hear the directions and wasn't paying attention when I handed it to her" so I tried again. I set the egg on the table and explained the directions thoroughly to her. I set the timer and decided to start dinner. Two minutes later she had walked away, so I looked over to see how the egg was doing. It was still there, but it had giant chunks of chocolate taken out if it (keep in mind this is an egg smaller than a quarter). The sweet pastel coating had been licked and the faint blue color was all over the kitchen table. Two minutes after that, I looked over to see my daughter with her tongue stuck out as far as it could reach, slowly approaching the top of the egg. That is when I finally gave in and told her to take the egg. I figured out that she was set up to fail and that this wasn't the most scientific of experiments. She was hyper and tired. She was hungry and loves chocolate. Most importantly, she was my own child, so that alone means she wasn't going to do what I said. I think if I had to redo this, I would use another adult to explain the directions and I would choose a location that was more conducive to conducting egg experiments. Oh well! Anyway, it provided a bit of a laugh for our family and my daughter got some chocolate before dinner, so she was happy.

I did realize the importance of teaching delayed gratification to my daughter since she is definitely the princess of our family. I mean, when I lecture my husband for giving into her he says "...but she's cute!" So I think I definitely have my work cut out for me!

The Power of Words...

So I was on the way to work this morning when the song "Creep" by Radiohead came on the radio. I was listening to a fairly edgy station, well, for public radio and I suddenly had a realization that I don't listen to normal radio that often. My husband has Sirius and I am usually listening to my iPod, kids CD's, or language CD's for my daughter, so I just don't really have the opportunity to listen to "normal" radio that often. Anyway...the point that I am trying to make is that while listening I noticed the radio station bleeped out the "F" word (Does Blogger let you say that word? Not sure) and I suddenly had an epiphany about language: We have the power to let language and words affect us. What if we just let people say the "F" word and other such words. Wouldn't these words lose their potency after awhile and, in turn, wouldn't these words lose the power they have over us? Why do we jolt when someone utters a swear word? Don't those "jolts" simply highlight the fact that these words have so much power in our language, which in turn allows the user of the words to have that much more of an impact on us?

I mean don't get me wrong, I swear my fair share, it's just that this fleeting thought I had about the power of language led to another thought about how this is true for a lot of things in life. The more we give in to these tactics that are designed to shock us, the more the "Shockers" will continue to get their kicks at our expense. For example, look at the way the media manipulates so many people into paranoia just for ratings. Or, what about teeny bop magazines that make little girls think they are less than perfect if they don't look like Taylor Swift? As long as we continue to let people get in our heads, they will. I mean, we might as well clean out some space in the insecure part of our brains and say "Hey, welcome, come on in." Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we as individuals or even as a culture allow people to impact how we think of ourselves and at what point are we going to take away the power others have over us? Another thing... What can we do to change this epidemic seeping into the minds of people all over the world? Sadly, I don't know... I guess I have some thinking to do...we all do. In the mean time, I recently rediscovered a relatively simple solution from my five-year-old daughter: "I'm rubber you're glue, what ever you say bounces off me and sticks to you." I mean, I can't really see saying this out loud to anyone, but there's nothing wrong with thinking it. It could be a secret mental inside joke used to repel negative thoughts. Who knows, it just might work!

Fear: Just Do it

Okay, so I was given an assignment by my Brief professor and was a bit anxious about it, so I relayed these fears to my professor in an e-mail. His response: "Please see the following link," which led to an Amazon.com page featuring the book Feel the Fear...and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers. It was a brief counselor's very brief way of telling me to get over myself. I laughed out loud at the e-mail because he is right. I mean , it's not that simple, but he is still right. I mean, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

So with that said... Sometimes the things that run through my mind don't make a lot of sense, but yet they still keep me awake at night. I guess that's what happens when a person has insomnia! Anyway... Recently I was thinking about what someone said about genetics and how everyone on earth at this moment got here because our ancestors were a little bit sharper than the rest of the pack, but then I was wondering where we are headed in a world that is changing to less caveman and club your dinner over the head to a world full of computer techies and corporate meetings. For example, there are a lot of people who are afraid of heights, right? This makes sense because being afraid of high places is your body's natural instinct to not want to fall down and die, but then, how (if natural selection got these people this far) are there people who are not afraid of heights? So I was thinking that these are the people who are willing to take risks and therefore discovered new lands, new foods, new medicines, etc. So you have these people who are here because they didn't fall off a cliff, but also because others were willing to take a chance and lived to tell about it. So with the new world as it is, the number one fear is a fear of public speaking. Is this a relatively new fear? I mean, clearly there were not public speeches being held amongst the cavemen and dinosaurs. Even the cowboys, who may have had public speeches, probably weren't timid about getting up in front of groups, picturing their audience in their underwear. So where did this fear come from? How do we as a collective group develop a new fear, just like that? It happens though. I mean, for a more obvious development of a new fear, look at World War II. People were building bomb shelters, having bomb drills in schools, placing innocent people in concentration camps, etc. It was fear and mostly likely fear that hadn't existed previously, but this had precipitating events that led to these fear. Public speaking fears just sort of popped up somewhere along the lines. I wonder...I bet some historian out there knows the answer, but until then, I just thought it was interesting...

**********
Another thing that crossed my mind today was how the DJ's on the radio were talking about the website DontDateHimGirl.com. I don't know anyone on this site, but I thought it was interesting hearing all of the callers talk about their previous relationships who they have posted on here. It's kind of sad actually because it kind of tarnishes people's reputations, but at the same time, it makes me wonder how awful these people must have treated these women to want to put this person on here. Anyway, interesting stuff...

What I have learned from podcasts...this week:

As usual I have been busy, but I am able to listen to podcasts while driving or working out, so here is what I have learned this week, which mostly came from Oprah:

According to Rabbi Shmuley:
60% have the television on during dinner
70% of people answer the phone during dinner

• My husband does both of these things and I didn't grow up this way, so we are learning to meet somewhere in the middle. The studies done regarding families who eat at the table are astounding, so this is something that is important to me. I don't think he understands what the big deal is, but he plays along anyway. So Rabbi Shmuley has a campaign to make Friday family night, but I think just about any night will work. We use Friday as family movie night, but Shmuley seems opposed to any kind of TV or movies on this family night as well, so I think I will try for Sunday night instead. Friday is Family Night

The Coupon Mom was on Oprah's podcast as well. Some of the following sites were from a recent episode of the Today Show as well as from the Mighty Mommy podcast, but Coupon Mom's site seems to be mentioned a lot, so I think I will check them out. I haven't yet. Some sites let you register your frequent shopper card to get extra coupons:

• Couponmom.com
• smartsource.com
• coolsavings.com
• coupons.com
• shortcuts.com
• thegrocerygame.com

Another thing I learned about from Oprah was getting rid of waste and reducing the amount of trash you use, which is important when we have limited resources, so one interviewee suggested this site: http://www.freecycle.org/groups/unitedstates/ for getting rid of clutter and allowing others to reuse the things we don't use any more. One book I just read (Maurer: One Small Step that Can Change Your Life) talks about the Kaizen theory. Essentially I learned that one way to make a change is to think small. Due to our biological make-up, human beings are programmed to react with a fight or flight mechanism when they are given a daunting task to do or if they are confronted with anything their brains might categorize as being dangerous. The Kaizen technique recommends tiptoeing around this area of the brain (the amygdala) by using small changes to a new behavior. One particular method or example that stood out for me was the method of throwing away the first bite of a dessert in order to slowly stop eating as much. I also liked the idea of having the waiter put half of your food into a to-go container so you do not even know what you are missing, as well as the resolution exercises; specifically the one that talked about saving a dollar a day, which would eventually total $365 a year! Back to getting rid of waste though... the interviewee on the podcast talked about how you can just start with one thing, such as water bottles. One place to start is by buying the metal canteens from places like Target instead of buying water bottles. I did this a few years ago and have found that I am addicted to my canteen/water bottle now and can't leave home without it. I have also noticed such a huge reduction in my recycle bins just from bottles alone and I don't have to carry those bottles home to recycle anymore (although my work has added bins now too!).

Another guest talked about this site: ToyTips.com. She is a psychology/marketing major, so she has come up with a practical website regarding toys. I haven't checked this one out yet either.

Lately...

Since I haven't posted much lately I thought I would just use this opportunity to do a quick recap of what has been going on in my life. I am taking a class right now on performing group-work and one in solution-focused therapy. I got to "play" client a few times now and learned some interesting things about myself that I want to share.

First of all, I was talking to my sister last night about how we were raised with this need to keep big news a secret because we don't want to "jinx" anything. She thinks we learned this from our father because, for example, he bought this fantastic home on the water and didn't tell a soul until the deal was complete and he had one foot in the door. So, with that said, I had this exciting, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity come up for my work recently and I was the same way - I didn't want to tell anyone (well, okay I told me best bud, my sis, and my can't keep a secret to save his life husband who blabbed my surprise to the world practically, but anyway... that's another story!). So a friend at work came up to me and said "I know how you feel, but I sure hope you can get over yourself long enough so you can fully appreciate this moment" which was a red flag to me that I do get so caught up in superstition and worry that I do forget to "get over myself." So that is a new goal of mine, but baby steps because I am still not going to talk about my exciting event, but mostly because I have like zero details at the moment and I would like to wait until things are more concrete.

Second, I have been motivated through a Prochaska book I have been reading to set a bunch of new goals for myself. For example, I learned that my not getting more than 5-6 hours sleep is not totally in my control. I never get off of work on time, I have school (which is in my control), I have all of these errands to do every night, I have a million other things that keep me busy until 11-12 at night; so with that said, a significant part of my problem lies in the fact that (1) I don't get off work on time and (2) I can't ever get my daughter to bed before 9:30. So last night after school I put my foot down (yeah right) and she was asleep by 8:00, which was my new goal. Of course, she is getting over a cold and I had no say in what time she was going to bed because she was exhausted, but what I did learn is that I was able to get much school work more done at an earlier time and thus I was in bed by 10:30. Of course, my new bed time goal is 10:30, which means sleeping, and instead I played with my iPod ordering stuff online until 11:30, but hey, it's a step! Meanwhile, I have developed other goals, such as stop drinking coffee, stop biting my lip when I am nervous, exercise more, and to learn to be more relaxed with clients in sessions. Since I led group this last week, I feel I am at least one step closer to that last goal since I didn't keel over from anxiety. It actually went somewhat okay!

Speaking of which, my group class has been kind of fun actually. We are taking turns leading small groups and because we are new at this whole thing, we get to ask fun questions like "If you could invite five people to dinner, living or dead, who would they be?" It helped that I have a "Book of Questions" to gain some ideas. I love that stuff anyway, so this has been extra fun learning about my classmates. BTW: The Book of Questions is like $6 and it is a blast on road trips because it has you ask questions like "If you could go back in time and change something, but couldn't guarantee things would remain the same, would you?" Or, "Would you accept one million dollars to pull the wings off of a butterfly, would you?" This is a disturbing question that should only be asked of significant others if you are really prepared for any answer you may get. Anyway... I love my particular group as well because they are all super nice. : )

Anything else? Hmmm... Well, we are searching for kindergartens for my daughter and who knew what a project that could be?! Sheesh! One school lets you know in August and asks for a ton of money up front per school that is registered and they make you go in person to each school, all in one day. The other doesn't want you to show up, doesn't charge anything, and lets you register for as many as you want. The third choice had a 19-page application that asked some very intrusive questions. You know they are too intrusive when half the questions they ask you don't even know the answer to (That's a long story)! So, the whole process of choosing "the right" school has been challenging to say the least. I moved around a lot growing up, so I want to find one place for my daughter and keep her there as long as possible, but there is so much to consider: International Baccalaureate schools vs. charter schools, core knowledge vs. public, sports vs. multi cultural curriculum, part-time vs. full-time, base camp, uniforms, location, money, Smart Boards, computer labs, libraries, after school care, after school curriculum, after school arts, ratings on GreatSchools.net, where my daughter's best friend will be going, waiting lists... AGGGHHH! Plus, keep in mind, all of this has to be done a year in advance! I know it sounds silly, but seriously, I went to 12 schools by the time I graduated and none of them felt like home to me because everyone else had a history with one another.

So lastly, on a political note - what the heck is up with that Washington Post cartoon with an ape, regarding the stimulus? Are they for real? You can't tell me that Travis the chimp really has any direct correlation to the stimulus. I mean clearly that is racist and should have never made it past the editor's desk - not in a million years. Then they print an apology, but it was more of an apology a little kid would give to another on the playground after their parent forced them into it. I mean, these are educated and worldly people so they must have, at some point, thought that someone might think they were making a direct reference to the historical racial depiction of apes being similar to African American people, right? So let's see: The artist and the editor saw an ape, violence, and politics all tied into one cartoon and felt that was appropriate for their readers? Really? I think someone needs to recheck the tactfulness filter in their brain. It's just sad.

Okay, enough rambling for now!

Deep thoughts this week...

This week has been pretty crazy. Besides the normal hectic stuff, Thursday we spent three hours of class discussing grief counseling. This was a really tough class session for everyone I think. You could almost cut the air with a knife it was so thick. We learned about grief counseling for the first part and then we had to practice using our new information and skills. I was told to play the client, while my classmate had to play the counselor. I was supposed to be a high school student who had to go to the counseling office because I couldn't stop crying in class after I lost my best friend in a car accident two weeks prior. Fun, huh? Some parts of learning counseling is so fantastic, but this was, well, not so much. Then to add to the fun we got to watch a video of Ed Jacobs (A therapist famous for Impact Therapy). He was helping a client who lost her father to a potential suicide in the Vietnam War some thirteen years prior, when she was like thirteen herself. It made me want to start balling in class, while the rest of the class seemed remarkably composed. I am such a sympathy crier though. It is pathetic. I can just imagine how she felt that her dad was gone and she said she felt all alone and knew he would have been there for her. Sheesh! This class brought up a lot of emotions for me as well and I just wanted to leave the room and run for the hills, but I didn't. I just sat there stewing.

Also this week I had to meet with some friends mid-week for a school assignment, but was anxious about how it would turn out since I don't really like making school plans in the middle of a week where I barely feel as though I see my daughter as it is. I felt like I was being bamboozled into the meeting, but heck, it was only one day out of my life and I was able to take my daughter out to dinner beforehand. Things turned out okay though and my teammates are very nice.

Additionally, this week my teacher let us off the hook for one of our assignments this week, but she is making us choose out of three different types of assignments for our final project. I can't decide, but she wants me to do a tape of me counseling someone, but that is seriously not fun for me. I might also do a Lifestyle assessment of my friend "J" but as close as her and I am, I am not sure I can ask her some of the very intrusive questions this assessment forces me to ask people. I am not sure I can discuss her personal life in a paper the way I am being asked to. Yikes! We'll see!

Tonight we went to a party up in the backwoods of the mountains at a log cabin-ish house of some people we have known awhile now. They are actually the parents of our daughter's friend, but we really love the parents of her friends and we have all known each other for so long that we just seem to click and be at a good comfort level; opposed to those lame kids' parties where you want to go hide in a corner somewhere. In fact, the host was telling us that she went to a party at her daughter's new school and one of the moms said she was drinking spiked coffee because she hated the parties so much. Although I have been to parties where I wished my drink was spiked (really I am only kidding), I have never felt that way with this group. Anyway, we had a really nice time and I am glad because I am so not a party person in general because I am a major dork; although I have held my share of them, it is painful for me. LOL

Random Thoughts

http://yourmorals.org/ <- This is a site I learned about in one of my classes the other day. I haven't been brave enough to take any of the tests yet; although, not because I don't think I am a moral person, because I know I am, but I am just too dang tired and my brain is full. I think it is an interesting concept because you can find out about your personal morals and aid in research at the same time. The site will even give you a score, which is very interesting as well because I thought morals were somewhat subjective and culturally based; yet the Internet is worldwide. Anyway, someday when I am less mentally drained I will venture to the site to see what they have to say about me. ;)

*************

Another random thought that crossed my mind today was regarding cultures and generations. I will talk some other day about why I was thinking about this - genograms, family constellations and other therapeutic blah, blah, blah, but right now I was realizing how it was strange how things can change over the course of a few years in a family. For example, staying at home as a mother used to be the "norm" although I question this was ever the case since no one in my family ever did. In fact, I think I read some 40% of moms worked in the 1950's? That's a lot. Anyway, so my coworker was saying the other day that mom's today have it easier because moms today just hand off their kids to someone else (I will also deal with the fact that this woman gets under my skin with her annoying judgements of me another time). I was saying that I think moms today have a more difficult job because we have to worry about car seats, the Internet (MySpace, etc), toilet locks, cupboard locks, texting, e-mail, iPods, allergens, etc. (it's a wonder we maintain our sanity). Plus, I also have to figure out how to not have my daughter be some computer junky when I just got her pre-kindergarten report card that assesses her technological abilities! Anyway... I was also noticing that from when I was a kid I called my grandmother Grandma Jones (for example) and calling her Grandma Ruth would be strange, but for my daughter, calling her grandparents by their last name would seem really bizarre. She would never say Grandma Smith, she simply says Grandma Hannah. When did we make the switch? Or is this just my family because my daughter has so dang many grandparents? I think this has some connection between the way people today feel less of a power difference between elderly people and younger people. I know I am raising my daughter as an equal person in our family and not simply a "seen and not heard" child that I often felt like growing up. So maybe that has an impact on the way we view things. Okay, just a thought!

Whatever it takes, and then some...

I recently wrote a report for school about a passion of mine- it was in regard to systemic change and educational reform where I talked about the Harlem Children's Zone (HCZ) created by Geoffrey Canada. Essentially, Geoffrey Canada discovered the vast differences in the way middle and upper class people raise their children versus the lower income families, so he wanted to create a way to bridge the gap between the success of the more affluent families and the ones in the HCZ. The HCZ is in an area in Harlem where violence statistics are abnormally high in comparison with other areas in the country and where incomes are low and dropout rates are high.

The program, which starts from birth and continues throughout the child's life, offers the community an alternative that will allow the children to succeed. The program teaches parents of lower income communities not to physically discipline their children, but to read, play, and sing to their children because they have discovered that these skills will help children throughout their lives. They also offer tutoring programs, charter schools, and more. Since the program was put into place, the area where the HCZ is has seen a decline in violence, as well as an enormous increase in the educational statistics. I could go on and on about the success stories because they are incredible, but instead, Paul Tough wrote a book about the program called "Whatever it Takes." The book is okay, but I really feel his piece on the podcast on thislife.org sums up the program in a more simplified and inspiring way.

The statistics in both resources are astounding because they discuss the success rate of the program and the amazing decrease in violence. Paul Tough even talks about the amount of children's funerals Geoffrey Canada used to attend back when he first started the program since the life expectancy in the HCZ used to be worse than in Bangladesh. The Kansas City studies done on professional families versus welfare families and the language differences between the families is the most amazing part in my opinion. The amounts of disparaging and encouraging remarks given to children of welfare families versus those in professional families in the study was dumbfounding. The professional families said more words to their children than the welfare family, as well as more encouraging remarks. Who knew?

This has been on my mind for awhile because it is a huge passion of mine. I would love to be able to start a standardized program like the HCZ in every community that starts at an early age and continues through the high school/college level. We need more programs that encourage people to raise their children in an educationally enriched environment and that offer people the same information and education offered to the middle and upper class. The problem is that there are not enough spaces in the HCZ program for everyone who wants to join, so they have to do a lottery to see who will be allowed in. So we can see people are looking for help, but are not offered help in the same way that is readily available to anyone who wants it in other areas of the country. For example, I just saw a flyer at my daughter's doctor's office for parenting classes for $10, which are being offered by the office's youth counselor. Just the fact that my daughter's doctor's office has it's own mental health counselor and a dietitian says a lot I think. Anyway, I found this to be very interesting stuff, I just wish I could think of a way to implement this type of program in my area. This is the very reason why I want to be a school counselor - to be able to help with things like this.

On a little side note: My husband and I went by a playhouse that was for sale near us, but there was not price, so we left a message for the seller just to see. It turns out it was $5,000! It was built by a custom home designer and has a kitchen, a satellite hook-up, a television, and more. Obviously we are not going to buy this for our daughter, as cool as it would be (and it would make a nice "guest house" for my mother when she comes to visit LOL), but we can see from this example how diverse our economy is and how this diversity filters down to our children at an early age.

********

Also, I saw this article today as well: Biden Visits Colorado
The article is not the issue, especially since it is supposed to be abut Biden but is more about McCain supporters. My issue was more about the comment given by a McCain supporter that talks about how spreading the wealth is not good for America. Really? I would imagine that there are a lot of people losing homes or people who can't afford the same opportunities for their children that wealthy people can who would probably beg to differ. It's disappointing that people don't care about their fellow human beings and their financial status, when in reality when you are a part of a system, every person's issues and concerns eventually impact the other people in the system. In a recession, an employee of Best Buy may not be able to afford his mortgage, while at the same time, other people who can't afford their mortgages can't afford to purchase things from Best Buy. If people don't buy things from Best Buy, the owner suffers, which causes the whole business to suffer- causing layoffs and even more economical hardship - and that's just one example!


References - More fancy college stuff! ;)

Tough, P. (Speaker). (2008a, September 26). 364: Going big [Audio]. This American Life
podcast. Retrieved September 30, 2008, from
http://thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=364

Tough, P. (2008b). Whatever it takes. New York, NY: Houghton Mifflin Company.

Ulterior Motives

This week in class we are discussing Transactional Analysis (TA). TA has been around for awhile and in fact, I am learning how a lot of things that we do and say in society are derived from this theory - like the term "warm fuzzies" was in a book I picked up on the topic this week. My mom used to always use this term when I was younger. This is strange really because if you knew her, this doesn't really fit into her typical persona. By the way, saying "warm fuzzies" is not an adequate way to actually give someone warm fuzzies, but enough of my personal issues... Let's move on... So anyway...TA is very interesting, but I wont bore anyone with the mundane details (well, in this blog anyway... well, not on purpose anyway LOL).

Essentially what is important to understand about TA is that we each have three parts: Our Adult, the parent, and the child lurking inside of us and the communication (transactions) we have with others stems from one of these three parts. We can also have "ulterior" transactions, in which we are acting a specific way, but in reality what we are saying to someone really has a different meaning. For example, if I say to my coworker who always talks about how great her life is "You just seem to have the most perfect life," but in reality what I am saying is "Sheesh! I get it already! You are the most perfect person who ever walked on the earth. Can we move on now?" This would be me exhibiting an ulterior transaction.

Well this week I had an epiphany: I know this person who is always saying these negative things to me. Like when I was holding a bunch of stuff and trying to get out of my car, they said "Can't get out of your car anymore, huh?" or "Do you always eat that much?" Okay, I don't think I am overweight at all. I know I am not the skinny little thing I was in high school, but then in high school people actually used to point at me and call me anorexic. So maybe that is a good thing! Anyway, this week it occurred to me that this person has an ulterior motive of cutting down my self-esteem to feel empowered. So this person feels by making me insecure about my weight I will feel like less of a person. At first I was thinking I was being a conspiracy theorist, but I really think I am not imagining this; yet, an additional aspect of ulterior transactions is that people may not even realize they are doing this. It's like a game they learned to feel better about their own self. This person is someone who always has to cut me down about any or everything and even when I am right this person still argues just to make me feel inferior. I used to be baited by this, but I caught on a long time ago and stopped falling for it or as my professor would say I "intercepted the pass the quarterback was throwing."

So, that is what I learned this week in my overwhelming endeavor to improve my mind! ;) Maybe it is working after all! After all, I did actually learn something this week instead of my usual exhaustion and frustration! Yay!
**********
Oh! Additionally, we learned about the Karpman drama triangle in which my professor actually showed a clip of the Wonder Years to hammer home the concept. See, grad school isn't all grueling punishment! ;) We also learned how the war, the U.S. and George Bush are all living within the triangle. http://www.ta-psychotherapy.co.uk/games.htm

It's Okay to Wear Pink:

So that title sounds like that Jim Henson book "It's Not Easy Being Green," which in a way it sort of feels like, but not exactly. So how about "It's Not Easy Being Pink," although that sounds more like I am saying I am actually pink. If you refer to earlier posts we know that's not even true; it's more like Casper the Friendly Ghost, but that's a different issue. Anyway (You know, it's really a wonder I get to any kind of point, ever! LOL)... So awhile ago in class we were discussing Feminist Therapy, which encompasses a variety of job duties, so I wont go into details on that. I will say this though, I realized that Feminist Therapists do have a role in society, but not one that I feel like getting into right now. Basically I realized that you can be a normal sort of feminist, or some crazy gung ho feminist that shuns anything to do with traditional woman roles, colors, etc.

So anyway, my friend is going to have to have surgery and was told by her doctor that she should just have her ovaries out "while they're in there" because it can prevent that kind of cancer, but that seems so clinical and something only a male would say so casually. Yes, they are only organs, but they have so much significance to women (as much as a vasectomy would have for a man, if not more) and not to mention that no woman wants to be thrown into menopause early. Although I remember asking my mom how long my, uh, girl stuff would last when I first went through it and she told me "until menopause." So I asked "When is that?" and she said "When you are about 45." So every month I would say to myself "Only 35 more years of this crap." So maybe there is something to look forward to (I can't believe I just shared that story). Anyway, sometimes it is nice to have someone who understands the conflicts we face as women; yet, maybe a true feminist would say "Ovaries schmoveries, you don't need those to be complete as a woman." Who knows. Bottom line is that it turns out that after having a second opinion, ovaries do more than give you cancer and make you feel womanly for having them, they also prevent Osteoporosis. Who knew?

Back to feminism... and the title: A friend in class and I were talking about how she just recently started wearing pink because of the stigma attached to the color and even bought a pink iPod recently. I was telling her that I was the same way until I had my daughter, but now she literally picks pink stuff out for me - water bottles, clothes, fingernail polish, etc. I wish more people could look at the world like kids. The feminist in some of us assume pink is bad because it isn't gender neutral, it's "too" girly, but why can't we just like pink for the sake of liking pink? Maybe little girls like pink because it is pretty. So feminism, with all of it's good qualities, sometimes makes me cringe when I hear the word. In fact, when we originally read the chapter I just had flashbacks to my youth where my stepmother - who was an anchor woman, a motivational speaker, a police officer, and whatever else she did - was a little over-the-top feministic. I loved that at the time because it taught me that I as a woman can work, I can be educated, and I don't have to put up with crap because I am a girl, but what it didn't teach me is that I am allowed to be feminine, I can be emotional, and I am allowed to be vulnerable. Being a "true" feminist(whatever that is) is a lot of work and even the thought of it while I was reading my book, was mentally draining for me. I kept thinking about how hard it is to remember that I am not allowed to say fireman, anchorman, or "man and wife." I mean really, try it one day because it's a lot of work.

So here's my proposal: I propose that we all just do our best and that should be good enough. We have all of these set standards and we dock people when they don't meet those standards, when in actuality we should reward people when they make improvements towards an end goal instead. So now we have a idealistic 100% requirement we hold people to and take points off when they don't meet those standards. Maybe I am not 100% gender neutral in my conversations, but I am authentic and something should be said for that. Therefore, in addition to my Feministic (is that even a word) education I received this week, I also learned this from one of the most amazing, influential, and ground breaking women ever, Maya Angelo: "When you get - give. When you learn - teach" which was told to Maya Angelo by her grandmother. Words to live by. So, let's just pass on the good things we take in each day to our fellow "humans" and just continue to focus on our progress as a society as a whole. Let's continue to teach those who are oppressed what we have learned, lend a hand to those who need help with change, and lend a shoulder to those who just aren't ready yet. It's like Todd Parr says "It's okay to be different."

Meditation Through Decoration?

I was listening to some home decorators/designers talking in an interview today and I found their conversation to be interesting. They were talking about how before they can decorate for someone, they need that person to be honest with themselves. I found this funny because it almost sounded like two therapists talking about a client "I can't help them until they want to help themselves." What they were discussing made sense though because they essentially were talking about how the client will be eternally unhappy with everything that is done by the decorator if they are designing their home around the need to please others. So, if you have your home designed to impress your friends and family and not yourself, you will never quite be comfortable in your own home, because it is someone else's idea of what is considered to be a "home" - not yours. Interesting! So maybe therapists should take tours of their client's home or ask about their homes to see if they are congruent with the person's wants? We'll call it Decorating Therapy! ;)

I now know what emotionally exhausted feels like...

I have discovered why my professor recommended that we not use our own current dilemmas to help others practice therapeutic skills. I have played the role of "mock client" too many times over the last few weeks and I am finding myself to be emotionally and mentally drained. It's like doing therapy for an entire week straight, but not finding any answers. We are so new to the masters program that we are not supposed to attempt to solve anyone's problems, so we get about 15-30 minutes in and then quit. It's awful. I thought I wouldn't have an issue with it because, to me, just talking it out seems to help, but I was wrong. It's tough though because she suggested we use past issues to discuss with our classmates not current ones, but the problem with that is when I am done with a problem and I have moved on, I don't feel like drudging up past issues. One reason is that I am sick to death of an issue by the time I have convinced myself to move on, but another reason is that I am overly analytical and may feel the need to revisit the issue to see if I could have changed the outcome. So then it becomes fresh again.

So on my way home I called my mother for her fantastic family lasagna recipe, but she wasn't there, so I left a message that went something like this: "Hi there, sorry, I am not stalking you and sorry for calling two times in a row. There is no emergency, I just got cut off right when I was going to leave my message as I was going through the valley. I don't know why I chose to call you right before I went into the valley since I know that my phone wont work there. Sorry, I am rambling. I have a lot going on right now and so I am a little exhausted and I ramble when I am exhausted. You're message on your voice mail sounded so upbeat and positive, which is great. Anyway, I was hoping you could give me the measurements for the lasagna because I seemed to have misplaced them and I going to make it for my house guests even if they hate Italian sausage (and apparently onions, who knew? Who hates onions? ...and olives and mushrooms...). Call me back. I may be doing homework upstairs, so if I don't hear the phone, please leave a message." So my mom called back and said she was really worried about me, but I assured her I had calmed down at that point. So anyway, we went on to have a really good conversation and I realized that when my mother is in one of her good phases she is really, really good and wise. She helped me with my troubles I was having and explained some other things to me that made me have some introspect, which is remarkable because I generally don't talk to her because we have never really been too compatible. It was a nice feeling.

I am also reading (well, listening to) the Alchemist (A story about a boy on his life journey) right now and it is extremely thought provoking.For example, how is this one for you? From the Alchemist: “When you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward” (Paulo Coelho). Wise, but also obvious, but then again sometimes we need people to point out the obvious. This also made me realize the beauty of Reality Therapy, although I am still not a fan of that theory. How about this one: "Everything that happens once will never happen again, but everything that happens twice is surely to happen again" - The Alchemist - insightful when you really think about it! Anyway... I am longing for a new Sophie Kinsella book that will allow me to be a vegetable where my thoughts are concerned.

So what I have learned this week is that a doctorate in counseling knows more than me about myself and that I should listen next time she tells me something. I have also learned that I am drained and that I am going to walk straight ahead and not veer my eyes in any direction than the one I am going in order to avoid seeing anything that my require me to think, be thoughtful, contemplate anything, or make my brain work in general.

Inherently good? Can politics and good be used in the same sentence?

A couple of nights ago in my Counseling Development class my classmates were talking about how they have realized over the last week that people are inherently good. They said even when you think of the worst person you can imagine, they have at least one speck of goodness within them. Even at this point I kind of disagreed, but kept it to myself. Later, as I was watching the Obama speech, I was talking to my husband about how I just don't know if I believe this philosophy to be true. There are different schools of philosophy that argue both sides of this coin and I think either cynicism or life experience has led me to believe that, like any generalization, you just can't lump everyone into that profile. My husband was surprisingly in favor of the mass generalization of everyone being naturally good, which is weird because he is generally more cynical than I am; however, I sometimes think he purposefully chooses the opposite side of me just for sport. ;) He thinks that even Hitler must have had a twinge of guilt - I disagree and any guilt he would have felt seems like it would have been derived from a selfish nature.

On a somewhat related note I just finished John Grisham's book the Last Juror, which takes place in the 70's and focuses a great deal on African Americans' lives in those years. Having the narrator describe his small town where there were two cafes, one for blacks and one for whites, makes me realize how cruel our society was to a group of individuals who did nothing to deserve such treatment. It would be one thing if you said well, that was just after slavery and they were making progress at that point, but let's be honest here - slavery had ended some 100 years prior to that. Most of the founders of slavery were long gone at this point in time; yet society was stilling pulling much of the same crap. Besides, we as a society always dismiss slavery as some Neanderthal event in some past life in which the people did not know better, but these weren't cave men enslaving other human beings. We're talking about dignified men who dressed in suits and women who decorated themselves in lavish dresses and lived in extravagant homes. In other words, these were people that were educated and knew better. They knew the difference between right and wrong just as well as we do now - well most of us. So when these people continued to treat people this way, were they "good" so to speak? It's hard for me to relate to this behavior.

While the Last Juror isn't the most gripping novel, it has definitely been thought-provoking. The author describes a woman who was the first black woman in her county to register to vote and was the first black woman to be on a jury. She was discouraged from registering to vote by the local white people who didn't realize she was an educated person who realized what they were doing to deter her. Although I realize this is fiction, I can't help but think of how there were real-life people at some point who were the first of their counties to vote, to sit on a jury, or whatever else. The pride they must have felt being the first to take a step forward, but the anger they must have felt of not being able to have done it sooner. The weird thing is that you never hear about anger from these groups, well I don't anyway. I know I would have been angry; I still do feel angry whenever I realize as a woman I am being held back because of my gender or being told the world isn't ready for Hilary Clinton because she is a girl. Excuse me? Instead of focusing on her issues and her platform, people ranted on about her array of pantsuits and how ugly they were. I can't remember the last time I heard about McCain's clothing choices. Who cares? Even Seinfeld made fun of her clothes when I saw him live in Denver.

So as I was watching Obama, despite the absence of any racial message from him, I was wondering how he feels about making history - about taking a huge step forward for a group of people that have been shoved a million steps back over the years. He has not focused on these issues, but I know these thoughts must be going through his head. I wonder if he is happy, scared, concerned, anxious, or maybe even a little overwhelmed by the pressure of being a spokesperson for two hundred or more years of people who have been told they "can't" - men and women, black and white, young or old. I wonder if he believes people are inherently good when Denver has been bustling with more security than I have ever seen and dealing with threats of KKK members and other lunatics. I get sad thinking of his poor girls who may not even know how idiotic and atrocious people can be and the danger their dad faces. I am not sure I would put my daughter through that. He is already so much braver than me just by getting up in front of 80,000 people and giving a speech (which I would never do!). He was as cool as a cucumber!

So, what's the right answer to the question of innate "goodness" in humankind? I don't know. I don't even know how the majority feels about this issue. I asked a relative who works in law enforcement and he feels that a lot of that kind of thing has to do with people's surroundings. So, does that mean he doesn't believe it is innate? I have to seriously give the whole "inherently good" thing some thought because as this point, I am just not sure. I am not trying to be negative, but I think in order to help people, we need to be able to understand their true capabilities. Maybe I have to believe people can all have some goodness in order to believe they can all be helped? Hmm... maybe I just changed my mind? Ughh? Or maybe it's all about the surroundings and less about what is inside of people? Also, what happens when one has to factor religious thoughts into the whole concept. Does God make people good? What about the people that aren't then? What happened to them? See my frustration? I think I need to do what my professor keeps telling us: Get out of our minds and think from a place deeper inside ourselves. Easier said than done!

Anyway, in the mean time...while my preferred candidate lost (I mean, come on! We need to reform health care!), I am happy to step up and be proud of the other person who wants to see a change - who embodies change by simply accepting his nomination; however, I do have to say that I would really like to see a specific plan of action in the next few months because candidates are always spouting these lofty goals without backing them up. I am hoping this will be different. The thing is, as with Hilary, the more they promise and the less they follow through, the more likely the other side will blame this on their gender or color. Just like when Hilary was caught crying during her campaign and people said "See, women are weak." These groups have more to prove. So I hope Obama can rid our country of foreign oil dependency in 10 years and all of his other goals, but that seems lofty even for an environmentalist. I don't want this promise to go down in history like Nixon's promise to win the war against cancer some 30-40 years ago. We all know how well that worked. : ( Obama is not Nixon though; I mean, for one, he is a democrat and so already his party has a better track record of improving the economy.

**********

Otherwise in my life, last night's classes went really well. Although I swear I have to bring tape for my mouth because I am too quick to answer questions when no one else will. I always feel bad for the professor to hear that awkward silence of asking something and to not hear from anyone. Not that she cares; she is probably used to it. I have this one professor who is most likely the coolest professor I have had. She has this wild, surfer girl look and an attitude that matches...almost. She is a PhD. student, so she is like a surfer girl with an abnormally large brain. Anyway, she is cool and is making ethics actually seem like an interesting subject. I have taken several ethics classes, etc. and usually I am trying to hold my head up to keep from nodding off and her class just isn't like that!

In my other class we are practicing our skills, but it is tough for me because it involves talking about personal issues face to face with someone. It's weird... I can ramble on here to no one in particular for hours, but have the hardest time talking about this stuff in person. I am learning though and I am breaking down some of my walls in the process.

Panic

This is more of a "dear Diary" entry today because I woke up last night in a panicked sweat. Well, first of all, I barely got sleep to begin with because my 100 pound labs decided to be afraid of thunder and lighting in the middle of a severe and long thunder storm until about midnight. So, they decided to counteract their fears that they would crawl in bed with me and lay on my chest, which just isn't fun, or comfortable.

So then, the panicked sweat part came to me about 3:00 AM... I start back to school to graduate school for counseling in two weeks. The talk throughout our relatively small college town of the extra vehicles from the incoming out-of-state college kids and the return of yellow flashing school zones to our pleasant summer commutes once again affecting the normalcy of the traffic we have gotten used to throughout the summer somehow impacted my thoughts in my restless sleep. I only have two weeks left of summer. I only have two weeks until I have to start stressing over assignments and final exams. I only have two weeks until my already hectic schedule is shaken up and thrown back down to reveal a billion puzzles pieces, some of which don't even belong to the picture that is my life. Between my full-time job and my daughter's school, gymnastics, ballet, soccer, and now swimming, I already barely make time for myself in the midst of the chaos. Now I am supposed to make time for an extra 9 hours a week of school, plus homework, plus textbooks, plus a 600 hour internship, and a 100 hour practicum. Am I crazy? Is that what led me to believe I was capable of handling this? I am strong, but I am not superwoman.

What's a girl to do though? This is important to me because it is my passion to help children. There are so many issues with children that often go unnoticed until things are out of control. In a world full of statistics created by 9/11, Columbine, Darfur - where an Olympic athlete was able to escape imprisonment as a young boy, and human trafficking - where roughly 1.2 million children are being trafficked each year throughout the world and slavery is at it's highest level ever (http://www.stopthetraffik.org/), the children of the world are in need of some serious mental intervention... Intervention to aid in their recovery, but also to help before the kids of today turn into the same mayhem that is impacting this already war-torn society. I want to be one of those people who are here to help, but how? How can I do this without, in an ironic twist, losing my own mind in the process. Other people have done this right? Other people have been a mom, a worker, and a graduate student, right? Why is it I feel the practicality of my endeavors is sufficiently lacking? In the end though, I will have extra time to spend with my daughter if I am able to follow through with this. Help!

Then... I was finally able to go back to sleep at 4:30, only to have my alarm clock wake me up again at 6:00 AM, which by the way, will be 5:00 AM in two week's time. A thought which led me to stress about my daughter having to get up an extra hour early and be in school that much longer each day, which made me feel bad yet again.

Ughh...