I now know what emotionally exhausted feels like...

I have discovered why my professor recommended that we not use our own current dilemmas to help others practice therapeutic skills. I have played the role of "mock client" too many times over the last few weeks and I am finding myself to be emotionally and mentally drained. It's like doing therapy for an entire week straight, but not finding any answers. We are so new to the masters program that we are not supposed to attempt to solve anyone's problems, so we get about 15-30 minutes in and then quit. It's awful. I thought I wouldn't have an issue with it because, to me, just talking it out seems to help, but I was wrong. It's tough though because she suggested we use past issues to discuss with our classmates not current ones, but the problem with that is when I am done with a problem and I have moved on, I don't feel like drudging up past issues. One reason is that I am sick to death of an issue by the time I have convinced myself to move on, but another reason is that I am overly analytical and may feel the need to revisit the issue to see if I could have changed the outcome. So then it becomes fresh again.

So on my way home I called my mother for her fantastic family lasagna recipe, but she wasn't there, so I left a message that went something like this: "Hi there, sorry, I am not stalking you and sorry for calling two times in a row. There is no emergency, I just got cut off right when I was going to leave my message as I was going through the valley. I don't know why I chose to call you right before I went into the valley since I know that my phone wont work there. Sorry, I am rambling. I have a lot going on right now and so I am a little exhausted and I ramble when I am exhausted. You're message on your voice mail sounded so upbeat and positive, which is great. Anyway, I was hoping you could give me the measurements for the lasagna because I seemed to have misplaced them and I going to make it for my house guests even if they hate Italian sausage (and apparently onions, who knew? Who hates onions? ...and olives and mushrooms...). Call me back. I may be doing homework upstairs, so if I don't hear the phone, please leave a message." So my mom called back and said she was really worried about me, but I assured her I had calmed down at that point. So anyway, we went on to have a really good conversation and I realized that when my mother is in one of her good phases she is really, really good and wise. She helped me with my troubles I was having and explained some other things to me that made me have some introspect, which is remarkable because I generally don't talk to her because we have never really been too compatible. It was a nice feeling.

I am also reading (well, listening to) the Alchemist (A story about a boy on his life journey) right now and it is extremely thought provoking.For example, how is this one for you? From the Alchemist: “When you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward” (Paulo Coelho). Wise, but also obvious, but then again sometimes we need people to point out the obvious. This also made me realize the beauty of Reality Therapy, although I am still not a fan of that theory. How about this one: "Everything that happens once will never happen again, but everything that happens twice is surely to happen again" - The Alchemist - insightful when you really think about it! Anyway... I am longing for a new Sophie Kinsella book that will allow me to be a vegetable where my thoughts are concerned.

So what I have learned this week is that a doctorate in counseling knows more than me about myself and that I should listen next time she tells me something. I have also learned that I am drained and that I am going to walk straight ahead and not veer my eyes in any direction than the one I am going in order to avoid seeing anything that my require me to think, be thoughtful, contemplate anything, or make my brain work in general.