Stress

This is yet another "Dear Diary" type of entry: Today I went to a party for Grad School. The professors and administration held a BBQ for for us new grad students. It went pretty well, but mostly it made me so nervous! Most of the grad students don't seem to be working while going to school and I was the only one that brought my kids (well kid) there with my husband (although all family was invited). So, most of them don't have children and don't work. I can't imagine why I think I can do all three. I think I am in over my head. Usually I feel like a flake at these things, but this time I feel way too serious! Ughh...

So far this has been a pretty stressful week in general, so maybe the stress of the week has driven me over the edge. I have been to my school three times to get books and each time I ask the hours ahead of time and each time they are closing the doors the minute I get there. They keep skipping out right as I am walking up to the door even though I have come a half an hour before closing to an our and a half before closing. So after working an 8+ hour day, I get there and they close. It's truly disheartening.

I have also had numerous meetings and appointments this week, while trying to get my books and on top of that I had the worst dream the other night. My mother had called me like six times in one day telling me that she had "exciting news" but never returned my calls. So she called me six times, but wont return any of the ones where I try calling her back. Anyway...so I dreamt that night my mother finally got a hold of me and said she was pregnant!!! I woke up with a start in the middle of the night in that state where you kind of half believe what you have just seen and thought to myself "Well, she can't be pregnant, right? Maybe she is going to tell me she is adopting a kid." I then thought about what I would say like "Haven't you tortured enough children?" (Okay that sunds mean, but you would have to meet her. She probably would have laughed) or "Can't you just get a dog?" So anyway, my week was already stressful and I still have not heard back from my mother. I did leave her a message saying that she she should probably call me since my dream has led me to believe the exciting news is her impending pregnancy.

Anyway, I have an orientation for school tomorrow and hopefully (Lord willing) I will get my books tomorrow since everyone (the non-workers) all seem to have theirs (Overachievers! Kidding, they are really very nice). I also have my "Cowgirl" work party Friday - YAY! <- Sarcasm alert. ;) So we will see if I am more or less stressed by the end of the week! Help!

Panic

This is more of a "dear Diary" entry today because I woke up last night in a panicked sweat. Well, first of all, I barely got sleep to begin with because my 100 pound labs decided to be afraid of thunder and lighting in the middle of a severe and long thunder storm until about midnight. So, they decided to counteract their fears that they would crawl in bed with me and lay on my chest, which just isn't fun, or comfortable.

So then, the panicked sweat part came to me about 3:00 AM... I start back to school to graduate school for counseling in two weeks. The talk throughout our relatively small college town of the extra vehicles from the incoming out-of-state college kids and the return of yellow flashing school zones to our pleasant summer commutes once again affecting the normalcy of the traffic we have gotten used to throughout the summer somehow impacted my thoughts in my restless sleep. I only have two weeks left of summer. I only have two weeks until I have to start stressing over assignments and final exams. I only have two weeks until my already hectic schedule is shaken up and thrown back down to reveal a billion puzzles pieces, some of which don't even belong to the picture that is my life. Between my full-time job and my daughter's school, gymnastics, ballet, soccer, and now swimming, I already barely make time for myself in the midst of the chaos. Now I am supposed to make time for an extra 9 hours a week of school, plus homework, plus textbooks, plus a 600 hour internship, and a 100 hour practicum. Am I crazy? Is that what led me to believe I was capable of handling this? I am strong, but I am not superwoman.

What's a girl to do though? This is important to me because it is my passion to help children. There are so many issues with children that often go unnoticed until things are out of control. In a world full of statistics created by 9/11, Columbine, Darfur - where an Olympic athlete was able to escape imprisonment as a young boy, and human trafficking - where roughly 1.2 million children are being trafficked each year throughout the world and slavery is at it's highest level ever (http://www.stopthetraffik.org/), the children of the world are in need of some serious mental intervention... Intervention to aid in their recovery, but also to help before the kids of today turn into the same mayhem that is impacting this already war-torn society. I want to be one of those people who are here to help, but how? How can I do this without, in an ironic twist, losing my own mind in the process. Other people have done this right? Other people have been a mom, a worker, and a graduate student, right? Why is it I feel the practicality of my endeavors is sufficiently lacking? In the end though, I will have extra time to spend with my daughter if I am able to follow through with this. Help!

Then... I was finally able to go back to sleep at 4:30, only to have my alarm clock wake me up again at 6:00 AM, which by the way, will be 5:00 AM in two week's time. A thought which led me to stress about my daughter having to get up an extra hour early and be in school that much longer each day, which made me feel bad yet again.

Ughh...