Just Be Yourself...

I was listening to the Oprah Spirituality podcast and was relieved to hear them discussing what Michael Bernard Beckweth calls the "Friction of fiction." Over the years, the biggest conflicts I have had have been with people who aren't real. No, I'm not talking about imaginary people; I am talking about people who live with a facade around them and who are afraid to let others see the real them.

Previously I had trouble with a coworker who would constantly tell me how great her kids were, how perfect her life was, how fantastic she was every day, but it was insincere. How do I know it was insincere? Well, first of all, people aren't perfect. Anyone dealing with someone like this should just tell themselves that straightaway. Forget their intimidating nature and ways. Set aside your feelings of inadequacy and doubt. Tell yourself "People aren't perfect." I think too, if they were, they probably wouldn't flaunt it like these other people do. After all, there's nothing perfect about boasting about oneself. How else do I know? One day I asked her how her night was and she said "Great!" and then proceeded to break down into tears. See, that's the problem with living like this...eventually you'll snap. As with any person who is living a lie, you can only "act" for so long and then the real you will become transparent. That's what I have to tell myself when I have a boss that can't do the job: "No problem, she will slip up."

Anyway, I think Elizabeth Lesser said it best when she said these people do the rest of the world an injustice because we let people think there is something wrong with them, when in reality imperfection is normal. Elizabeth went on to say something like "It is the most ironic, strange thing that it takes so much courage to be authentic." I love the way her mind works. She is a guru. Besides, how happy can you be when you are not able to be yourself. It sounds like a catch 22 when you are happiest by having the freedom to be miserable, but I believe it's true!

Additionally, I liked the way Michael Bernard Beckweth talked about asking oneself during crises "What is this crisis trying to teach me?" He said that a crisis is a question trying to ask itself." Like "What is the universe or God trying to teach me?" Another thing he said: "We don't solve our problems, we outgrow them." I think this is so true. It's like a child learning to crawl, walk, talk, etc. Those things are no longer issues for them and they move onto new issues. There will always be new issues and when they arrive, the only way we will get through is by asking ourselves what we can learn.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this spirituality podcast and feel I learned a lot from it. Just wanted to share!

Get Over it...

I know I have said this before, but I love the "This American Life" podcast, which is a podcast that features real-life stories that fit into a designated theme. The theme this week was titled "Break-up"where they interviewed several individuals with different stories. I should first say that while the initial girl in the interview said that everyone understands the pain of a break-up, I really haven't experienced that pain. I look back to the relationships before I met my husband, and for the most part, I am indifferent. This is going to sound heartless, but I never really cared that much about my past trysts back then. Things always seemed mutual by the end and we were always pretty mature about the whole thing. I mean, if I were breaking up with my husband now I would be devastated, but previously I never allowed myself to get that emotionally involved. They didn't know everything about me like he does. I never really wanted to experience that heartache and when I especially liked someone, I kept them at bay. I would try to act nonchalant, although probably not as successfully as I believed in my mind. Of course, this process did not come without downfalls, don't get me wrong, but it was my process at the time...

Okay, clearly I have issues and I know that (and wait, seriously, who doesn't?), but after watching my own parents split in Junior High after a very overwhelming break-up of their own, I just couldn't handle it. Even through high school my sister and I were dragged through the details of their rocky relationship, long after they split and it sucked. Although they didn't mean to, they taught me that relationships generated drama and trouble. So it's no wonder I wasn't ready to delve into that type of thing. Of course, I wasn't an unfeeling robot and would always find myself getting sucked into some kind of crush, but I tried to keep a distance.

Even with my husband now, I kept trying to give him the brush off when we met. My sister had forced me to go to this birthday party at a club and my husband (or future husband) was there with some friends. I should also interject that I hate clubs, so I never went to them. Greasy, sweaty guys all mackin' on me, yuck. So my husband asked me to dance like 9,000 times and 8,999 times I said no- mostly because I have no dancing ability whatsoever, but also because I wanted no part of a relationship at that point in my life; plus, he was a bit of a gnat that wouldn't go away and I hated that. Eventually a Depeche Mode song came on that I loved and I gave in. So I danced to Depeche Mode, slaughtered the Electric Slide in another round of dancing (no seriously, if there were dancing police I would have been arrested), and the rest is history...I was cured of myself and I am grateful to this day.

So, back to the break-up podcast...yes, there is a point to all of this. I loved this podcast because it gave me insight about break-ups, but also, I think it would give anyone insight to getting over a break-up. For example, after hearing a little girl talk about her parent's divorce, I learned that when parents break-up (despite the awareness that it is a total necessity like in my parent's case) the break-up can still have a major impact on the child's future relationships. This particular little girl was interviewed some 20 years later and still seemed affected. It was like she wanted permission from her parents. This gave me such great knowledge about children and divorce. Think of how many of us have gone through our parents divorce and not one person offered counseling or to even talk about the stuff we dealt with; it just wasn't done.

Another girl wrote a song about her break-up in order to get over her lost love, but the madness doesn't end there! She even went to Phil Collins for advice on how to write a good break-up song. Phil Collins, by the way, seems incredibly nice. He knows the pain of a break-up and proved to be helpful in the song writing process, possibly in the girl's therapeutic process as well (he would make an excellent counselor!). The song turned out great! I think this would make for fantastic therapy, which may even be a good recommendation when counseling patients - ooohhh, especially teenagers! They should really open some kind of studio where normal people can record songs. Most songs do seem to be sad, love songs, like this girl pointed out. Speaking of...this girl (the Phil Collins girl) also offers an extensive look at break-ups and even an interesting story about how a Bonnie Raitt song was written.

So basically the entire podcast was really funny, but it also seemed to have some cathartic value to people going through the break-up process, or even to those who aren't. For instance, I learned that perhaps I am not some inhuman and unfeeling monster, as much as I simply had the means and know how to recoup from those bad experiences that left me sad or maybe I just simply forgot how sad I was at the time. I mean, there are still people I wish I could talk to, but I just don't feel that twinge of pain that others talk about. I am glad that I went through those experiences, but I am equally glad that they had to come to an end; otherwise I would have never met my husband and I wouldn't have had my beautiful daughter. I am such a firm believer in the whole "things happen for a reason" philosophy; although I do understand how hard that concept is to grasp when you feel your heart has been ripped out and torn to bits by a seemingly uncaring ex or maybe I have just been lucky... knock on wood. ;)

Some good break-up type of songs that came to mind when writing this. There are just too many to even list. Some may not even be break-up songs, but they sure sound that way...

The Cure: Boys Don't Cry
Green Day: Good Riddance
Simple Minds: Don't You Forget About Me
Mirah: The Garden
Plain White T's: Hate (I really don't like you)
Ting Tings: Shut Up and Let Me Go
Violent Femmes: I Hope You Get Fat (Actually they have a few good ones: Breakin-up, a Boy George cover of Do You Really Want to Hurt Me, etc...)
The Smiths: Unhappy Birthday
Carrie Underwood: Before He Cheats
Alanis Morresette: You Oughta Know
Fiona Apple: Sleep to Dream
Sinead O'Conner: Nothing Compares to You
Brandi Carlisle: Turpentine

Yeah, I could go on forever here. No wonder people aren't able to get over lost love! Possibly though, there are just so many other people who have discovered the value of song writing to get over someone.

The purpose behind bad reunions:

I was listening to The New Yorker's fiction podcast titled "Reunion" this week, which is about a boy who sets up a brief meeting with his estranged father. In short, the boy was excited about the visit, but the father's knack for belittling everyone he came in contact with and being immensely belligerent (probably due to his drinking) made you wonder if the boy was questioning why he wanted to meet him to begin with. So the boy said goodbye, because he had to catch a train, and the story ended.

At first glance the story doesn't appear to have a point; therefore, I was trying to decide what the point was. I think I figured out that sometimes we long to see a particular person that has been absent from our lives (estranged parents, ex's, friends, etc) and when we actually get a chance to see that person, we rediscover the very reason for their absence to begin with. In this situation, the boy didn't have a choice, but often we break of ties with people, forget our reasoning behind the break-up, and bring them back into our lives; only to discover we were right the first time.

The story hit home because it correlates my own life over the last couple of weeks, but also because everyone seems to face the same situation at some point in their life. For example, my mom recently visited my from the Northwest. After a few days of staying with my sister and driving her completely insane, they both decided to cut the trip short. My mom has issues she needs to work out and my sister is too busy to play "parent" to her own mother. I think there is always this sense of disappointment after something like this happens because we have these expectations of how certain relationships in our lives (especially parent-child) are supposed to be and when they don't turn out that way, we feel a void where something is missing. We also sometimes blame ourselves for things not working out.

This all sounds a little depressing, but I also think these little meet-ups can be a good thing. For instance, in this boy's situation or say an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, after seeing why we left someone behind, we can finally let go of that unrealistic dream of reuniting and get on with our lives. Those "dreams" and unrealistic recollections of souvenirs of the past can hold us back from appreciating the good things in life. I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder, but "Reunions" bring our minds back to reality. So that was my giant epiphany for this week! Let it go...